The Germans have a word, Schadenfreude, which basically means to take pleasure in other’s misfortunes. As a person with some Polish blood in me (as you could probably guess), I am acutely aware of the German’s point of view towards other’s misfortunes. Nevertheless, I’m sure all of us at some time have taken guilty pleasure in the suffering of others. Not you? Well, we’ll see...

Every year or so I get some bizarre craving for homemade chili, and yesterday was such a time. I believe this craving stems from spending my formative years in Louisiana (queue the dueling banjoes). When the craving hits, it won’t go away until satisfied.

Having this craving, I rushed out to the grocery store and bought about twenty random ingredients that I vaguely recollected as being in chili. On a wild hare, I decide to grab three varieties of chili peppers: jalapeño, habanero, and something small and red. I like spicy food, so what the heck.

I got home and I mixed it all up, cooked it all up, and ate it all up. To spite the fact that I was winging the recipe, it was quite spectacularly good. In fact, I had two bowls of it before bed. Bad choice, as the fire in my belly was going to be hard to sleep through.

Before bed, I have a little ritual of brushing my teeth, taking out my contact lenses, and using the restroom - fairly mundane stuff. So I open my contact case and squirt in some new solution in preparation for storing my contacts. I open my left eye wide and put the tip of my index finger into it to retrieve my contact. I then drop to the floor in stinging pain with my eye swelling shut and tears streaming out of it. I forgot to wash the hot pepper juices off of my hands after making the chili!

You’re laughing at me, aren’t you? Just wait, there’s more.

After minutes of agony, things start to calm down and I proceed to scrub my hands with hot, soapy water and to rinse them liberally. I made it a point to scrub the finger tips especially. That should end that. So I open my right eye wide and put the tip of my index finger into it to retrieve my contact. I then drop to the floor in stinging pain with my eye swelling shut and tears streaming out of it.

And still, there is more.

The next morning, I scrub my hands some more. I put my left contact in my eye, and guess what? I then drop to the floor in stinging pain with my eye swelling shut and tears streaming out of it. And worse, it doesn’t end because the contact has the pepper juice soaked into it from the night before! So then I’m forced to take it out again through all the pain and tears. Once out, I throw it to the ground and stomp on it and fling it into the trash. I get myself a new pair of contacts and I wash my hands again. And you know what? Those fuckers still stung a little when I put them in!

So I hope you had a little chuckle at my misfortune. Stay tuned for the sequel to this story, which will be released some time after my next bowel movement. I’m not religious, but please say a prayer for my anus!